Dinnertime Discussion
By Amy Fulfer

A couple of weeks ago, I went out to eat lunch with some friends. The food was great, the company was wonderful, but I found one particular topic of conversation rather surprising.

A discussion arose about women with college educations who chose to leave their careers to raise their children. I wasn’t actively engaged in the conversation, because I was flanked by my own preschool aged offspring who required much assistance with their lunches.

No one looked at me when the comment was made, “Now why would a woman pay all that money to get a degree just to sit around the house babysitting?” I was taken aback; not to discover that someone felt that way, but that one of my friends was expressing such unmasked disdain, in my presence, of decisions I’d made for my life. His comment was probably not directed at me, but I have to admit, I took it personally. I was glad that no one looked my way, so I didn’t have to make any of the angry comments that were furiously buzzing around in my head.

I was immediately on the defense about the words “sit around.” I don’t know when I’ve had less time to sit around than after becoming a mother. No matter how busy I was before, at the very least I always had my sleeping and bathroom hours to myself. I felt offended he had minimized nurturing and child-rearing to simply “babysitting;” merely being physically present with a child to meet his physical and safety needs without making a personal investment in him.

After I cooled off, I realized there was a real question underneath his criticism. Putting aside the unfortunate choice of words that would make most mothers see red, he was asking, “Why would someone pay thousands for an education and then chose, as a career, something that doesn’t require an education, and doesn’t even pay minimum wage?”

That’s a valid question; one that deserves an answer. I’m not answering why a mother would stay home with her children, that would require a book, but I will try to answer why a woman would want both a degree and the opportunity to raise her own children. I will answer for myself—why I want that.

Every woman goes through phases in her life. I haven’t always been the mother of preschoolers, nor will I always be. My mother didn’t have a college education, but she did have goals that she accomplished before settling down. She and my father taught us to have goals, desires and dreams. My sisters and I had plans for our futures. Family was a huge part of my plan, but not the only part. I wasn’t interested in working some dead-end, minimum wage job, waiting for a “Prince Charming” to show up and give me a baby so I could quit my job to stay at home with her. I had things that I wanted to do with my life, so I went to college to equip myself for them.

While I was there, I had time to develop my talents, skills, sense of self, tastes, interests, friendships and do some traveling. I graduated, got a good job, bought a house, and then got married. I was happy with that phase of my life. I enjoyed my job and threw myself into it whole-heartedly, and (at the risk of sounding prideful) I was good at it. I never lacked commendation from my superiors or peers and it gave me a great sense of accomplishment and confidence. It was very rewarding to be successfully completing some of my goals.

When I had kids, I didn’t resign because I hated my job and was looking for a way out. Although I felt some sadness about leaving, I had new priorities, and I have no regrets about the many financial sacrifices we’ve made to keep family as the top priority. I am very satisfied with this new phase in my life, but it too will end and another phase will begin. Perhaps it will happen naturally, in that as my children grow, they will need me less. There is also the inescapable possibility of tragedy that could someday require me to be the sole provider for my children. I’m glad to know that my education contributes greatly to the marketability of my skills when I reenter the workforce.
 

I think it would have been poor planning on my part to not seek an education simply because sometime, down the road, when I had children, I wanted to raise them myself. It wouldn’t have been wise to assume that my spouse would always be there as the breadwinner to allow me to do that. It would be absolutely absurd to believe that I have an obligation to continue working full-time my whole life, just because I have earned a college education.

Not only does my degree benefit me, but I also think that having an educated mother benefits my children. (Let me be clear: I DON’T think that mothers with a degree are superior to those without one. Remember, my mother didn’t have a college education, and I think she is one of the best mothers of all times. I may be a little biased, but that’s my prerogative.) Having been there myself, I'm better able to assist my children in the world of academia, but that's just a small part of it. In my opinion, the greatest part lies in the way a woman’s own emotional health greatly influences the kind of mother that she is. I think that the sense of accomplishment and confidence that I developed as a direct result of my education improve my emotional health. I feel that I am personally a better mother with these than I would have been without them. I like to think that I am temporarily laying aside my own goals to equip my children to achieve theirs.

So, if this ever comes up at lunch again, I’ll have a calm reply ready to make, whether anyone looks at me for a comment or not.