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Culture
Shock: Part 1
Smart Alec Eyes
by Amy Fulfer
"Would you look at me when I’m talking to you?" Coach’s voice was
strained.
I had just walked into the gym to
pick up my class of 3rd graders. My little Norma stood in front of
Coach, her nervous eyes darting around, pausing on the coach's sleeve,
his left ear, his forehead, his neck, but never stopping on his eyes.
Her gaze swept briefly over Coach's face while moving from one point
to another, but she did not make eye-contact and Coach was clearly
exasperated. When he saw me approach, he threw up his hands.
"Amy, I don't understand your class. They're great kids. They never
get in trouble, but they just will not look at me when I'm talking to
them.” He shook his head in frustration. “Anytime I try to make
eye-contact, to explain something, they act guilty or scared. I don’t
get it! They’re not in trouble. I just need them to look me in the
eyes so I know if they understand!"
Coach knew that my bilingual students only spoke Spanish at home and
he took intentional care to make sure they understood his English
instructions. He was doing all that he knew to help them be successful
and was baffled by their response.
I smiled at him, maintaining eye
contact. No one was at fault here. "The thing is, Coach, the way they
see it, you are requiring them to challenge your authority and
disrespect you. They don’t have any idea how to respond."
Coach was shocked. “How in the world could they possibly think that?”
The different language was only a
part of the cultural difference between home and school. The Hispanic
culture requires respect for age and authority. Coach had both. My
students understood that averted eyes were a part of showing respect.
These children had been taught early on not to lock eyes with an
authority figure. To do so was a clear challenge of that authority and
was usually met with speedy consequences.
In the U.S. an unwillingness to look someone in the eyes is considered
an acknowledgement of guilt or shame. If an authority figure requires
that you look them in the eye and you still refuse, you have blatantly
rejected their authority.
You can see why their body language
needed some translation. Poor bewildered children. I know what it’s
like to be misunderstood.
I had the same body language
barrier growing up in Mexico, but for me, it was reversed. I was often
thought to be an impertinent little girl and since Mexican child
rearing is a community responsibility, there seemed to be no end to
the rebukes from the older generation for my insolence.
I felt just as helpless as my students did with Coach when I was
scolded with “Why are you looking at me?” My reply, “Because you are
talking to me,” only made things worse. My parents allowed and
expected me to look into their eyes at home, and they didn't consider
that disrespectful. I had no idea what I was doing that made everyone
so upset.
Once I turned 12 years old, my smart
alec eyes got me into a whole different kind of trouble. You see, the
Mexican culture is male-dominated, and for a woman to look into a
man's eyes may not only be considered challenging, but flirtatious.
The proper thing for a woman to do if a man is looking at her face is
to immediately break eye contact and look away. That response felt
entirely wrong to me. I had always looked the whole world straight in
the face. If someone was looking at me, I wanted to look back.
Rarely, it seemed, had our little town seen a girl with the likes of
my penchant for flirtatiousness. The little old ladies gave me many
tongue-lashings that always included, “Stop looking at the boys!” It
took me some time to finally realize that the “flirting” they accused
me of was actually maintaining eye contact. For a while, I rebelled. I
reasoned that since I was doing absolutely nothing wrong, they should
all just mind their own business and get over their ridiculous
notions.
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Of course, it doesn’t work that way. One person doesn’t change
centuries of thought just by disagreeing with it. At last I gave in. I
really did not want every man that I passed to think I was giving him
"come hither" look. As much as it bothered me, I decided it was in my
best interest to make a conscious effort not to hold eye contact with
adult or teenage men or authority figures--only brief, sweeping eye
contact. It took much retraining. Eventually it did come easier to me,
but it was never natural. My brain always had to give my eyes the
conscious command to look down while conversing with someone.
As I prepared to go to college in the States, one of the things I
looked forward to was the freedom to look at whomever I pleased. For
months, I remember reveling in the luxury of it—actually walking down
the halls with a big smile on my face just because I could look right
at everyone I passed. I could watch the faces of those I talked to and
see so many nonverbal responses to our conversation that I had been
forced to miss while looking off to the side, at my hands or theirs.
That was years ago. I'm still a big
fan of eye contact, although I still make the conscious decision to
avoid it when I am speaking with Hispanic men. I don't want to give
the wrong impression. So many American women do just that and have
absolutely no idea what message they were thought to have just sent.
The strangest part is that the old habit I forced upon my teenage self
has the strangest way of popping up unbidden. If I happen to make
casual eye contact, (usually walking past people in public) a
subconscious instinct deep down often compels me to look down
immediately afterward. By the time that I am actually aware of it and
jerk my eyes back up, usually the person has passed or looked away.
I wonder how long that instinct will stay. I hope it doesn’t give me
the appearance of lacking self-confidence or having a guilty
conscience; however, I also hope that it doesn’t go away completely or
it might make it difficult when I go back to visit friends and family.
I wish there was a way for me to jump between cultural mores and
expectations as easily and completely as I do languages.
I was glad that my life experiences were at least able to help clear
up miscommunication between a terrific coach and some terrific kids.
After I explained the cultural background of my students, Coach was
able to understand, not just my class, but all the bilingual classes
so much better. He could better interpret their body language towards
him and express his expectations of them in a way that they felt safe
in responding. They were visibly more relaxed. Grasping the different
viewpoint of his students made Coach a much better communicator and
more effective teacher.
Translating language is easy. Translating body language is an entirely
different matter.
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