Reminiscing with Mr. Kirby
By Amy Fulfer

Just as I was vacuuming the bedroom this morning, some interesting memories beckoned to me from years ago.

One late afternoon, when I had started to prepare dinner, a very bubbly, hyper-cheerful girl knocked on our door. My husband answered. She gave an excited recitation of some sort and Brent said, “Ok.” We never saw “Bubbles” again. She went to the neighbors and sent in “The Pusher.”

And what was this super-duper product that we just couldn’t live without, you ask? It was Mr. Kirby the Vacuum. “Bubbles” got her foot in the door by asking permission to shampoo the carpet in one room in our house. Of course, we naively agreed. So “The Pusher” came in to do the demonstration, that lasted long past dinnertime.

I think “pushers” might be threatened with medieval torture if they come out of the house without a sale. Mr. Kirby’s pusher started off by challenging our Phantom vacuum cleaner to a dual, and then put it to shame. Our Phantom had, apparently, been leaving all sorts of hideous things in our carpet. We were disgusted!

Then he began to show us terrible things in our couches, curtains and even our mattress. Oh dear! How would we ever sleep comfortably again? Then we saw the shampooer, mini-blind, ceiling fan, and compressor attachments. I, for one, felt completely grossed out. I had no idea what kind of invisible filth we were living in, but at the same time, I was steeling myself against Mr. Kirby, bracing myself for the price.

Mr. Kirby sucked, which for a vacuum is the highest possible compliment, but it was very heavy and I thought the attachments were inconvenient to use. Brent, however, was in love. He was actually excited about all the complicated attachments and especially, its powerful motor (that I’m convinced is a converted airplane engine).

Finally, “the pusher” gave the price and the financing offer. Yes, that’s right, folks. Financing. We would have to take out a loan to buy this thing! It cost more than a lot of cars!! My first thought: absolutely not! Then came the selling point that changed my mind. Interestingly enough, it came not from Mr. Kirby’s pusher, but from my husband! He said, “If we had this, I’d do the vacuuming.” SOLD! And for the next few years, Brent was completely in charge of all vacuuming in the house.


 

Then Elyssa was born and I resigned from my teaching position to be a full-time mommy. Because I was now a stay-at-home mom, I decided to take back the vacuuming responsibilities and reacquaint myself with Mr. Kirby. And my, what a pain he was! He was so unbelievably heavy and unyielding that I broke a sweat and had a sore arm and back after vacuuming just one room!

Finally, after several weeks of this misery, it so happened that I was vacuuming while Brent was home. I commented to him that it was sure nice of the Kirby people to sell us, not only a vacuum, but also a workout machine. He was shocked to notice that I was red in the face, sweating, and making slightly sarcastic comments about his beloved Mr. Kirby.

He offered helpfully, "But it isn’t hard to push."

My helpful reply was, "You should try eating rocks."

Brent came over to give it a try. When he was finally able to slow his laughter enough to take a breath, he choked out, "Oh, baby. You have it in neutral. You have to put it in drive."

Oh, right, because it’s just that obvious. Who ever heard of putting a vacuum into gear before moving forward? A vacuum shouldn’t have gears unless it’s a riding vacuum! Some things were just not meant to be that complicated!

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